A Consumer's Guide To Ballyhackamore: 28.11.23. Part 1

 Recently, I went up and down, describing noted East Belfast shoppin' 'n' dinin' hub, Ballyhackamore. This is transcribed directly from my phone as I walked first up and then down the Newtownards Road. It's verbatim, so not as sculpted as my usual muscular prose, but direct, repetitive and above all authentic. 

 Hopefully this gives you a no less than fascinating insight my tiny world. 

"Okay...so we're coming up on the first, real shop in Ballyhackamore proper. And it's a restaurant I went to once and wasn't very pleased by. Used to be a hairdresser's, and I went there once and they gave me a glass of wine while I had my haircut. So you can tell it was a classy place. Nobody in there today. In fact, there are workmen working while two couples are actually eating, which is pretty standard practice for Northern Ireland. The drilling must continue...I'm actually just hanging around, waiting for the...crossroads. Literally...there's a man in there drinking a glass of wine and two burly fuckers in woolly hats are banging metal struts next to the window where he's sat. Lovely. You couldn't pay for that service. I fucking despair..." There is a loud clang. "Yeah, he's fucked it up, he's dropped his bit of metal. He'll probably break the glass and have it splinter into the guy's food, and he'll just raise his glass as a toast. Because he's been here before and he knows the score. Jesus...do these fucking traffic lights ever change? I've been here for fucking ten years. Probably about a minute. But still...I'm anxious to get going. It's been well over two minutes actually..." Sigh. "So, I've come out of Pilates, and as usual, coming out of Pilates, where I did try...they do a thing at the end where you come down and relax and try and sink into the floor and let all your stress fall away, close your eyes, do your breathing, unclench your jaw, just fall into the mat. Some bloke's Motorola went off during that part of it and rather fucked it for everybody, but once you go outside you're into rush hour traffic on the Newtownards Road anyway, so any thought of that just disappears..." The Pelican crossing beeps, "Okay, we're crossing the road..."

"Jesus, there's some fucking people about."

"There are some offices here but we're not interested in the offices, we're interested in the shops, yeah? What's this? Investment advisors? That's not really a job. Somebody said, if you can't imagine a pig, in a uniform, doing your job in a children's book, then you're adding nothing to society, and I think that's probably true. Yes, they did have pig butchers, which is always disturbing."

"Okay, first up we've got a cafe I've never been in, a door company whom, I think, did my front door. And my back door. Collars and cuffs - no problem with that. And next to it a famous, branded supermarket with the worst Feng Shui I've ever met in my entire life. You cannot move for people just blundering into you. They block off whole areas with produce, you always see the staff just hanging around and chatting in the narrow corridors, in twos. Also, the car park's a death trap. They may have had a white bicycle here at one point. It's a disaster. Anyway, its not too busy...oh, here comes a car trying to run me over...there you go...as if by magic."

"Right, next up..." Some sort of industrial wheezing is audible. "Woah, d'you hear that? Some sort of hydraulic thing. It's a well known...car place. "They're the boys to trust". "You can't fit quicker than them". If you were in the 80's, like me, you'd get those references."

"Okay, and we're moving on to another sort of supermarket but with a petrol dispensing forecourt. There's a fish and chip shop down the far end and a place that sells logs. Because people love logs here. I sometimes buy notebooks from this place because it has a post office in it."

"Next up, is a vendor of hero subs, which used to be inside the other shop but which now isn't, and a famous supermarket, but the express version. Meaning small. Fun sized. Next to that is a very basic looking church or Gospel Hall. Looks like it was made from a kit. It's got big signs outside telling you God will kill you if you don't believe in him, which I think is his central message."

"Next up, is a high-end kitchen interiors shop which has had the same fake cake in its window for the last two years. Next to that is a new restaurant which replaced a restaurant I liked, and therefore is in my bad books. Fuck those guys. Following on from that is a hearing aid shop, then an ice cream shop - this is the good side of the road by the way. Next to that is Ballyhackamore's GOOD takeaway, and the first of what may prove to be a never-ending cavalcade of estate agents. That's on one side of the road, what's on the other side of the road? It's an estate agent. It's like "Never the Twain". 80's. Again. Next to that...a tanning salon, next to that a dead shop...can't remember what that was...next to that a bookmakers and next to that a not so good Indian takeaway. Next to that an Off license you cant get into unless you press a bell. Next to that a defunct Hypnotherapist's...don't worry, he's still going great guns a bit further up the road...once cured me of a headache after Disney had driven me to madness...next to that, what looks like a defunct hairdressers. Next to that another takeaway - "Sorry, the card machine is not working". Next to that  a high-end looking opticians I've never seen anyone in. Next to that, another estate agent. Next to that, a bakery, which is closed at four o clock in the afternoon. Next to that...that's some woman's midlife crisis, selling mad clothes and mirror balls and bejeweled skulls and unicorn handbags. Y'know, I'm sure people want that stuff...Next to that a male grooming salon. Everyone in it looks like a professional dancer from Strictly. Next to that another...kind of...mid-life crisis shop, that sells coffee and plants, the obvious combination. You do you."

"Next to that is a family owned greengrocers where every time I've gone in there they've been rude to me. Next to that a weird card shop, that just sells, you know, typewriters, pencils, pens, every bit of Moleskin you can imagine. Next to that, a young person's hairdresser. The staff are attractive. There is an unadorned Christmas tree outside it. Next to that, another male barber's, a second hand book shop, a yoga centre called...well, yoga centre, and then another charity shop. Okay."

"Next to that charity shop is another charity shop. Next to that a pizzeria I've never been into. Looks clean. Mostly clean. Next to that a coffee shop, which is a well known high street brand. Next to that a pizza shop, a very well known high street brand. Classy. Next to that a "high end" charity shop. I don't know how you can have that. It's all jumble in the end. Next to that, a defunct takeaway and then yet another high-end opticians. That's two in about 100 yards of each other. Next to that a pharmacy where they are always rude to me. Next to that is a sort of burger bar that riffs on "Happy Days", so I hope its been around a while. Next a hairdresser with a broken window and some sort of specialist, coffee shop thing - sells drums of oil. Who wants drums of oil? Next to that a shitty looking insurance company. Next to that a rather better looking solicitors than the one I realise I didn't previously mention, which was next to the betting shop."

"This is the second most dangerous road I'm crossing now. I may not have to go all the way to the most dangerous one. So here we have...a picture framing thing, although it actually appears to be selling terrible art. It's four o clock. It's closed. Is it ever open? Oh, today's a Tuesday so they're open till...4 P.M...it's ten to four. They don't like to work too hard, do they? Selling a statue of a reindeer in the window, so you know it's good art. Next to that is a...I don't know what it is - a smokers - maybe some sort of BBQ joint. Next to that a Chinese Restaurant that's still working, and another male only hairdresser. I think we're seeing why those other guys have shut down. Four male grooming centres within ten minutes of each other in a part of town where every man over forty is bald as a coot. Not me. Fully woolly at fifty."

"Next to that a public library that I've not been to since I bought a printer. It's basically a creche. Next to that another charity shop. There are some knickers outside it. Next to that a cafe and, would you believe it, another estate agent's. They never seem to be doing shit in any of these estate agent's. Next to that a restaurant, unusual for this side of the road. Finally, and I think possibly the last thing we've got, is a pub. Mike Nesbitt just walked past. Wearing a flat cap."

"That's the left side of Ballyhackamore. I'm now going to cross over and do the right side of Ballyhackamore. Obviously it depends on which way you go, doesn't it?"