Distinctly British

Yesterday, the now sacked media minister, John Whittingdale, announced new rules for public service broadcasters, requiring them to produce distinctly "British" programmes. Examples given included: Only Fools and Horses, Gogglebox, Derry Girls, Top Gear, Doctor Who and Planet Earth. 

Now. 

Let's take these in order, shall we. 

Only Fools and Horses is the story of a white South London criminal family, living in a high rise called Mandela House. They flout the law, as do all their friends, and spend their free time drinking and plotting in the pub. They once damaged an expensive chandelier by fraudulently claiming to be experts in chandelier maintenance, which they were not. One of them has been imprisoned on drugs charges, and the others are known to the police. Their entire flat is a cache of stolen goods, and they espouse a philosophy of magical thinking, imagining this time next year they'll be millionaires. Eventually they are shown to be rewarded for their criminal career by actually becoming millionaires, by mistake. 

However, Del Boy would definitely have voted for Brexit, so you can see the logic here. 

Gogglebox is a franchise that has sold around the world, because it is immediately understandable to anyone on the planet who has ever watched television with anyone else. The Gogglebox we see is "distinctly" British, because everyone filmed watching the television is British. But the French one is distinctly French, the German one avowedly German and the Papa New Guinea version positively reeks of Papa New Guinea. 

However, it is cheap to make. So more like this please. 

Derry Girls is about a group of friends growing up in Northern Ireland in the 90's, and dealing with the usual teenage tropes: first love, inter-generational misunderstanding, nasty teachers and sectarian bombings. It's been a runaway commercial and critical success, so you can see why Whittingdale would like to claim it for his own. But it is distinctly not British. And the people of Derry would be quite vocal in pointing this out. 

"I meant distinctly United Kingdomish, obviously". 

If he'd been aware of "There's No Place Like Tyrone", he'd want thirty more episodes. 

Top Gear. Yeah. Cars. Blokes. "Challenges". Banter. Cars. Standing with your legs in a power stance. Jeans and shoes. Smell the leathery interior. My God, somebody actually bought that James Bond aftershave. The colour of caramel. Morten Harket-style leather wrist thongs. Those checked boxer short you get three for six quid down the covered market. The film on the beans under the heating lamps at Fleet services. 

Yeah, no, so distinctly British. Like a bog roll stuffed into a metallic train toilet. Unflushable. 

Doctor Who. It's clear from reading the extensive audience reviews of each episode of Doctor Who, that Doctor Who fans hate Doctor Who, and what's more, don't understand Doctor Who. So, I can only assume John Whittingdale is a Doctor Who fan. Every week middle-aged men decry the "wokening" of the show: all those companions of colour, the feminism, the gender-fludity, the ecological concerns, the fact that the Doctor now has a (presumed) fanny. 

The Doctor has long been a pacifist, anti-imperialist, anti-fa, renegade criminal, intellectual, free-thinker, open to every experience, and always against small-minded, bureaucrats, bigots and British values. 

I wonder what show it is they're watching when they are watching Doctor Who? Yes, William Hartnell used to try and brain cavemen with rocks, and Pertwee was a sexist grump, and it could be argued that being a Victorian gentleman amateur might not be that useful in the 21st Century. But clearly, the Doctor's value system is that of a liberal internationalist. The entire premise of the show is someone who wants to go everywhere without bringing a little black passport. He would not be pinting with Farage in the GB News studio. 

Planet Earth. Look. At. That. Title. 

David Attenborough is English, which is what you really mean when you say British, but he's a cool guy and he wants no part of your nauseating Little Britain nonsense. 

I see you're bringing back imperial measurements too? So we can weigh food that is no longer on the shelves because of Brexit, in the old fashioned way. But dont worry...the crown is back on the pint pot. It'll all be over by Christmas. 

Probably everything.