Lynne Faulds Wood RIP
There's a lock-down in effect. Everything is shut. Pubs, theatres, cafes and restaurants all gone. (you can work out my hierarchy of needs from this list) And barbers, of course. I had my haircut just before the lock-down, but my hair has the quality of Japanese knot-weed - it grows like kudzo across the American South. I believe it strangles the roots of other hair in its immediate vicinity. It can only be tamed with a whip and a chair. Or with the serious attentions of a beetle-browed Kurdish gentleman. I usually have access to one and he knows my hair. He is a hair whisperer.
But his shop is shut and I am left with hair like pampas grass in a dead swinger's garden.
It was my birthday and I received an Amazon gift card. And I thought - we don't know how long this thing is going to take. I better buy some clippers and get Susan to cut my hair. She's good at everything - there's no reason to suspect she wouldn't be an exceptional hairdresser. So I went on Amazon and found a set of Babylis clippers that looked alright and popped it in my basket. But I didn't buy it and when I came back the next day it was out of stock. So I looked at some of Amazon's sponsored clippers and found this:
"BURFLY Professional Hair Clippers Sets, Rechargeable Cordless Hair Trimmer for Adult Child, Hair Cutting Kit with Combs, Hair Beard Shaver for Barbers and Family Use"
But I didn't read the reviews.
I'm normally quite a cautious on-line shopper. And besides I enjoy reading the reviews on Amazon. Sometimes I'll find one that's funny - usually not on purpose - and nip down a worm-hole of that person's reviews, imagining what their life must be like based on their purchasing choices and their disappointed reactions to them.
Hours of fun. For me at any rate. Your mileage may vary.
But on this occasion I didn't do that. I acted rashly, impetuously, like the young hot-head I am.
Foolish, John. Very foolish.
The first tinglings of disquiet came when I discovered that the earliest estimated delivery date was a fortnight away and the latest a month away. That's a two week delivery goal. If it went to full term it would be nearly two months since I had a haircut. I hadn't gone that long without a haircut in 25 years.
Since my hair went grey it is not like hair. It is somewhere between loft insulation and a pan scourer. It grows sideways as well as up, pushing the arms of my glasses off my head and sending them skidding down my nose. Susan thinks I should get a little necklace attached to them like Larry Grayson used to The Generation Game. I'm not ready to look like Slack Alice, thank you very much. I must chastise this mane. But its two months: I can last two months.
By the 11th of May, the final delivery date, my hair looked like the Trevi fountain and the the status on the order had changed to "We're sorry we have been delayed in delivering this product". I finally look at the product on Amazon and notice two things: it's a Chinese brand and was travelling all the way from China, and every single one of the reviews was bad. Not just bad, APPALLING: "Terrible Product" "Awful Product - Do Not Buy" "Absolute Crap" "S**T" - every single review was dreadful and there were NINE pages of them! So I'd bought the clippers, they'd taken over a month to get here from China and when they arrive they'll be rubbish.
I tried to cancel the order but Amazon told me I don't qualify for a refund. I'd have to wait for three days after the product is due AND contact the vendor who might take 48 hours to reply. I looked at the courier selected to deliver the product and they aren't among those listed by Amazon on their list of couriers. Great. I e-mailed the vendors. They came back in 36 hours (winning) and insisted, in strangulated English, I "be patient" and "the product has been in your country for some days". Excellent.
I wrote a review on Amazon but Amazon rejected it. They weren't clear why.
So. I could't request a refund. The vendor insisted that the product was on its way so I should just sit there and patiently wait for it to turn up. Meanwhile my barnet had turned into the Lost Gardens of Heligon.
It arrived today. Five days after it was supposed to. And its not very good. Its really not very good. It came in a box that looked like it previously contained fire-lighters and inside was a tray of the sort that normally holds a selection of delicious biscuits. No battery was included and the battery it needed can't be bought in this country. The clippers don't charge - they need to be plugged in to work and the flex is about two feet long. The attachments are difficult to attach and difficult to unattach. As a consequence the clippers are now broken, assuming they ever worked. They didn't last one day. I should probably return them.
But IMAGINE the hassle of sending broken bits of scrap metal to China in a global pandemic. I'll probably just grow my hair forever. I don't have the stamina of Lynn Faulds Wood in these consumer affairs - she was a tireless people's champion of getting small amounts of money returned for damaged electrical goods. Me? I'm Captain fucking Caveman.
But his shop is shut and I am left with hair like pampas grass in a dead swinger's garden.
It was my birthday and I received an Amazon gift card. And I thought - we don't know how long this thing is going to take. I better buy some clippers and get Susan to cut my hair. She's good at everything - there's no reason to suspect she wouldn't be an exceptional hairdresser. So I went on Amazon and found a set of Babylis clippers that looked alright and popped it in my basket. But I didn't buy it and when I came back the next day it was out of stock. So I looked at some of Amazon's sponsored clippers and found this:
"BURFLY Professional Hair Clippers Sets, Rechargeable Cordless Hair Trimmer for Adult Child, Hair Cutting Kit with Combs, Hair Beard Shaver for Barbers and Family Use"
 |
| Big pile of bollocks |
But I didn't read the reviews.
I'm normally quite a cautious on-line shopper. And besides I enjoy reading the reviews on Amazon. Sometimes I'll find one that's funny - usually not on purpose - and nip down a worm-hole of that person's reviews, imagining what their life must be like based on their purchasing choices and their disappointed reactions to them.
Hours of fun. For me at any rate. Your mileage may vary.
But on this occasion I didn't do that. I acted rashly, impetuously, like the young hot-head I am.
Foolish, John. Very foolish.
The first tinglings of disquiet came when I discovered that the earliest estimated delivery date was a fortnight away and the latest a month away. That's a two week delivery goal. If it went to full term it would be nearly two months since I had a haircut. I hadn't gone that long without a haircut in 25 years.
Since my hair went grey it is not like hair. It is somewhere between loft insulation and a pan scourer. It grows sideways as well as up, pushing the arms of my glasses off my head and sending them skidding down my nose. Susan thinks I should get a little necklace attached to them like Larry Grayson used to The Generation Game. I'm not ready to look like Slack Alice, thank you very much. I must chastise this mane. But its two months: I can last two months.
By the 11th of May, the final delivery date, my hair looked like the Trevi fountain and the the status on the order had changed to "We're sorry we have been delayed in delivering this product". I finally look at the product on Amazon and notice two things: it's a Chinese brand and was travelling all the way from China, and every single one of the reviews was bad. Not just bad, APPALLING: "Terrible Product" "Awful Product - Do Not Buy" "Absolute Crap" "S**T" - every single review was dreadful and there were NINE pages of them! So I'd bought the clippers, they'd taken over a month to get here from China and when they arrive they'll be rubbish.
I tried to cancel the order but Amazon told me I don't qualify for a refund. I'd have to wait for three days after the product is due AND contact the vendor who might take 48 hours to reply. I looked at the courier selected to deliver the product and they aren't among those listed by Amazon on their list of couriers. Great. I e-mailed the vendors. They came back in 36 hours (winning) and insisted, in strangulated English, I "be patient" and "the product has been in your country for some days". Excellent.
I wrote a review on Amazon but Amazon rejected it. They weren't clear why.
So. I could't request a refund. The vendor insisted that the product was on its way so I should just sit there and patiently wait for it to turn up. Meanwhile my barnet had turned into the Lost Gardens of Heligon.
It arrived today. Five days after it was supposed to. And its not very good. Its really not very good. It came in a box that looked like it previously contained fire-lighters and inside was a tray of the sort that normally holds a selection of delicious biscuits. No battery was included and the battery it needed can't be bought in this country. The clippers don't charge - they need to be plugged in to work and the flex is about two feet long. The attachments are difficult to attach and difficult to unattach. As a consequence the clippers are now broken, assuming they ever worked. They didn't last one day. I should probably return them.
But IMAGINE the hassle of sending broken bits of scrap metal to China in a global pandemic. I'll probably just grow my hair forever. I don't have the stamina of Lynn Faulds Wood in these consumer affairs - she was a tireless people's champion of getting small amounts of money returned for damaged electrical goods. Me? I'm Captain fucking Caveman.
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