Won't somebody think of the pangolins?
One in five British adults think that the Corona virus started in a Chinese laboratory.
A 5G mast at Sparkhill near Birmingham was set on fire in a suspected arson attack. Lee Ryan from dismal, near harmony pop band, Blue, last seen doing their hit on an TV advert for boilers, has requested his fans shouldn't attack the 5G towers: "This is not the way to stand up against it!" he pleaded, despite the fact he genuinely believes that improved internet efficiency killed Eddie Large.
People think that if you are able to hold your breath for sixty seconds it means you cannot have Covid19. A woman was hospitalised after she ate a kilo and a half of raw garlic, cause she heard it would save her from the illness.
I mean its fucking mental, isn't it?
I sort of get it. Its nice to have someone to blame. Like hearing an English accent in an American film its always good to have an obvious and identifiable baddie, and if Corona virus could talk it would sound like Brian Sewell. The universe is a vast, swirling, vortex of the incomprehensible. It is unfathomable and indifferent to us. We're lichen on a rock - it couldn't give two hairy shits about what we do. We could slip down the back of eternity's sofa and never be missed - in the cosmic scheme of things we are used bus tickets.
That doesn't really suit human beings. We reckon we're kind of a big deal. You've probably heard of us, we're pretty flipping famous, actually. So we don't like to be told we're bacteria with thumbs. We invent Gods and devils and fairies and aliens and conspiracies to explain away the occasions when the planet yawns, shrugs and sends millions of us screaming into the void for no reason. We are problem solvers, we see patterns and we see faces in the fire, and we can't quite believe that no one is to blame. So we make shit up. Even really stupid shit. Maybe just start out with a little bit of raw garlic and see how you get on? No, it has to be a kilo and a half - that's the correct dosage.
Imagine feeling so powerless, so far away from having any influence on your own life that you prefer to believe elite Satanic paedophiles are trying to kill us off with the bat and pangolin based virus Bill Gates is using to get the military involved in mass arrests and kill all the old people, rather than, you know, that there's a natural pandemic and that you should probably stay in doors. People are buying guns to shoot a virus. Why not? That's no madder than thinking Idris Elba has tested positive for Covid19 because he got a tainted batch of the child's blood that every one in Hollywood drinks to stay young looking. What's their proof? Tom Hanks tested positive. Tom "skin of a newborn" Hanks.
I am sarcastically suggesting that Tom does not in fact look all that young here. I wasn't describing the ingredients of his smoothie.
There is one conspiracy I do believe in, though. The government, this lazy and contemptuous government, are going to blame the people for the pandemic. The narrative is being gently nudged away from the palpable ineptitude of their response to this national emergency: the false starts of "the herd immunity" which now never happened, the Prime Minister smugly shaking hands with the infected and then - surprise sur-fucking-prise, getting the virus himself. The lack of ventilators, the slow response on closing down public spaces, the wishy washy shittiness of it all. Now the papers, her majesty's unbiased and scrupulously fair-minded press, are full of stories of the public flouting the new rules and heading to the parks and the seaside. There are ominous rumblings about the military getting involved to police the state. The usual right-wing nut jobs are frothing all over Twitter with a cognitive dissonance so marked it looks like a centre parting: C'mon Bojo, get it done: oppress their civil liberties (but please don't oppress my civil liberties - my granddad was in a war for them or something).
This virus will be our fault. And the government will contrive to be plucky underdogs of solid good sense in the face of bovine stupidity from the masses. So of course they had to start rounding us up. So of course they had to start nailing shut our front doors. So of course they had to paint an X on the outside of the house in lamb's blood. Its for our own good. You'll see.
A 5G mast at Sparkhill near Birmingham was set on fire in a suspected arson attack. Lee Ryan from dismal, near harmony pop band, Blue, last seen doing their hit on an TV advert for boilers, has requested his fans shouldn't attack the 5G towers: "This is not the way to stand up against it!" he pleaded, despite the fact he genuinely believes that improved internet efficiency killed Eddie Large.
People think that if you are able to hold your breath for sixty seconds it means you cannot have Covid19. A woman was hospitalised after she ate a kilo and a half of raw garlic, cause she heard it would save her from the illness.
I mean its fucking mental, isn't it?
I sort of get it. Its nice to have someone to blame. Like hearing an English accent in an American film its always good to have an obvious and identifiable baddie, and if Corona virus could talk it would sound like Brian Sewell. The universe is a vast, swirling, vortex of the incomprehensible. It is unfathomable and indifferent to us. We're lichen on a rock - it couldn't give two hairy shits about what we do. We could slip down the back of eternity's sofa and never be missed - in the cosmic scheme of things we are used bus tickets.
That doesn't really suit human beings. We reckon we're kind of a big deal. You've probably heard of us, we're pretty flipping famous, actually. So we don't like to be told we're bacteria with thumbs. We invent Gods and devils and fairies and aliens and conspiracies to explain away the occasions when the planet yawns, shrugs and sends millions of us screaming into the void for no reason. We are problem solvers, we see patterns and we see faces in the fire, and we can't quite believe that no one is to blame. So we make shit up. Even really stupid shit. Maybe just start out with a little bit of raw garlic and see how you get on? No, it has to be a kilo and a half - that's the correct dosage.
Imagine feeling so powerless, so far away from having any influence on your own life that you prefer to believe elite Satanic paedophiles are trying to kill us off with the bat and pangolin based virus Bill Gates is using to get the military involved in mass arrests and kill all the old people, rather than, you know, that there's a natural pandemic and that you should probably stay in doors. People are buying guns to shoot a virus. Why not? That's no madder than thinking Idris Elba has tested positive for Covid19 because he got a tainted batch of the child's blood that every one in Hollywood drinks to stay young looking. What's their proof? Tom Hanks tested positive. Tom "skin of a newborn" Hanks.
I am sarcastically suggesting that Tom does not in fact look all that young here. I wasn't describing the ingredients of his smoothie.
There is one conspiracy I do believe in, though. The government, this lazy and contemptuous government, are going to blame the people for the pandemic. The narrative is being gently nudged away from the palpable ineptitude of their response to this national emergency: the false starts of "the herd immunity" which now never happened, the Prime Minister smugly shaking hands with the infected and then - surprise sur-fucking-prise, getting the virus himself. The lack of ventilators, the slow response on closing down public spaces, the wishy washy shittiness of it all. Now the papers, her majesty's unbiased and scrupulously fair-minded press, are full of stories of the public flouting the new rules and heading to the parks and the seaside. There are ominous rumblings about the military getting involved to police the state. The usual right-wing nut jobs are frothing all over Twitter with a cognitive dissonance so marked it looks like a centre parting: C'mon Bojo, get it done: oppress their civil liberties (but please don't oppress my civil liberties - my granddad was in a war for them or something).
This virus will be our fault. And the government will contrive to be plucky underdogs of solid good sense in the face of bovine stupidity from the masses. So of course they had to start rounding us up. So of course they had to start nailing shut our front doors. So of course they had to paint an X on the outside of the house in lamb's blood. Its for our own good. You'll see.
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