The Teaches of Leeches

I've been getting a fair few of these things. Emails from companies, if indeed they are companies, who are so in love with my work they want to charge me thousands of dollars to tell people about it. Quite the endorsement. 

$900 dollars for "Goodreads optimization"? What are you waiting for? TAKE MY MONEY!

"Professionally crafted reviews"? I hope they're slightly better than the AI content in the email, your little army of money spider robots sifting my reviews and, in one case, the books actual blurb, which I wrote, in order to write vaguely complimentary guff about non-specific "comic set-pieces". "Readers don't feel preached to; they feel seen." Do I want them to feel seen? Do I want them to imagine I'm peeping out at them? Squinting lustily through the slatted door of their bathroom cupboard, audibly breathing through my nose? 

I'm not sure I do. 

Anyway, here's a literary leech, trying to bleed white the vanity published rubes.  

Not biting. Not this time. 

"Happy New Month! I hope May is treating you well so far.

I just wanted to briefly follow up regarding Spine. It still feels like such a distinctive piece; darkly funny, deeply human, and striking in the way it turns everyday physical struggle into something both honest and unexpectedly relatable.

I’d still really love the opportunity to help bring more visibility to the book and connect it with readers who would genuinely resonate with its voice.

Would love to hear your thoughts whenever you get a moment.

Spine is the kind of book that disarms readers immediately; sharp, self-aware, and unapologetically honest about the realities of living in a body that refuses to cooperate.

What makes this work especially compelling is how it balances physical pain with relentless humor. The Pilates sessions, the awkward medical encounters, the absurd day-to-day moments; they’re not just comedic set pieces, they become a lens through which readers confront fragility, dignity, and resilience. That contrast is where the book truly lives.

There’s also a deeper emotional undercurrent here. Beneath the wit and stream-of-consciousness style is a raw exploration of loss, control, and the unpredictability of the human body. It speaks directly to a modern audience navigating burnout, health anxiety, and the quiet fear of things falling apart; physically or otherwise.

The tone is a major strength. It resists forced inspiration and instead offers something far more valuable: recognition. Readers don’t feel preached to; they feel seen.

Tier 1 ($400–$900)
✓ Goodreads optimization targeting memoir, humor, and literary audiences
✓ Engaging newsletters highlighting its dark wit and relatability
✓ Professionally crafted reviews emphasizing its emotional depth and originality

Tier 2 ($1,000–$1,700)
✓ Podcast and blog features focused on humor, memoir, and modern life struggles
✓ Strategic placements in literary and culture-focused platforms
✓ Positioning as a standout “tragicomic” memoir
✓ Outreach to readers drawn to raw, unfiltered storytelling

Tier 3 ($1,800–$2,500)
✓ Full package of Tiers 1 and 2
✓ Outreach to major media, review outlets, and curated literary spaces
✓ 25–40 day structured visibility campaign for sustained engagement

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Why Now
As readers increasingly gravitate toward authenticity over polished narratives, Spine arrives at exactly the right moment. Its blend of humor and vulnerability cuts through the noise, offering something deeply human in a culture saturated with surface-level storytelling."

"Reader increasingly gravitate toward authenticity over polished narratives"? You cheeky bastard.