Non-Threatening Boys: No Strictly Curse this year

 We're approaching the annual Strictly Come Dancing party. Each year Susan and me, and two other couples gather to watch the Strictly final. We drink prosecco. We critique. We point out fleckles and gapping. We are experts in the terpsichorean arts. I'm surprised we haven't opened our own dance academies: "Right here's where you start paying. In sweat. And tuition fees."

I haven't really enjoyed the show this year. The celebrities have been a bit rubbish. Once the obvious chaff fell away, the contestants were boringly competent. The three left for this final are: a content creator, a lioness, and a girl who is starring in Legally Blonde the Musical in the West End, and who definitely wont win. George, the content creator, has a lot of Tim Nice-But-Dim energy, but is actually pretty sharp. He's the worst dancer in the finale - he's stiff in the hips and his partner tends to dance around him like he was a big posh Maypole - but he'll probably win because the voting's all online now and he has 2.3 million followers on TikTok. Kaz, dancing with the fabulous and fabulously named Carlos Gu, is a lioness - that's someone from the English women's football team - and she has scoliosis which has affected her "journey", and she's not smooth and media trained like George, who has the unruffled demeanour of someone who has never had to raise his voice. Kaz has the rather charming habit of signing "thank you" in BSL whenever anyone says anything to her, and she's a rather sharp, scissory dancer with endless energy and seems to really enjoy doing the show. So she's the natural winner. But George will win, because it's a popularity contest. The popular kids win everything now. 

I looked into George's TikTok and YouTube presence. It's a world I don't understand. George has friends called Italian Bach (who is described as having "a degree in astrophysics" and discusses topics such as "online success, pop culture and his mullet" and ArthurTV, whose content "typically consists of reviewing reality TV in a humorous and satirical manner" and is known for being "calm". They're all improbably posh and blandly good looking, moustaches and mullets notwithstanding. George's skits are competently edited and mildly amusing. He's personable. Mums would love him. There's nothing really there, though. Do these people function as surrogate friends? I'd love to see the demographics. Are these actually manifestations of Lisa Simpson's "Non-Threatening-Boys" magazine. Are they corporate Corey's coining it in? In the wake of Strictly's succession of horrible and abusive male dancers and the installation of what are effectively eye witnesses in the practice studios, this is not necessarily a bad thing. A few Non-Threatening Boys would be quite the sea change. Even if I do resent them for being rewarded for being rich, popular and conventionally good looking, in a post Pedro Pascal world. 

Anyway, I'm calling it now. George the Content Boy is going to win this thing. 

Poor Amber. The nation never warmed to her. You could see the greedy ambition glittering in her eyes. What's the opposite to a pheromone? This girl exuded it. Nikita would stand in the shower for hours after each rehearsal, scrubbing himself clean of negative aura. 

She'll be fine. She has a West End Career to fall back on.