Body Count's in the house

I was reading Vice's ideal "body count" article. This is not about a killing spree, or Ice T's foray into the world of rock. It's a delightful new-fangled expression for how many people you've had sex with. 

Apparently, in the modern world, these strange fractious, fractured times, this is a big deal. Modern dating seems unknowably sophisticated to me. I don't mean it's upmarket and stylish, but pretentious, unnatural and perverse. A weird filtered, crowdsourced erotic obstacle course. There are dating trends now. Trends in dating. Styles of dating. You people are weird. 

Anyway, "body-counts" - such an appealing term - are an issue. Here's what Vice, that cool and verifiable organ, says: 

"The data suggests that, yes, sexual double standards still exist - but they're more complicated than the old "stud vs. slut" narrative."

Okay, well, at least they're more "complicated". 

"So, what's considered "ideal"? For men" - what an old fashioned term, Vice - "the magic numbers were about 4-5 lifetime sex partners, with 2-3 being casual, and an age of sexual debut (!) being between 18 and 20. For women, the ideal was lower: 2-3 total sex partners, 1-2 casual ones, and an age of fist sex between 16 - 18". 

Well first of all, they're not more complicated are they? Boys are allowed more sex than girls, even though the sex has to be with girls, I'm assuming, and girls are expected to be sexually available two years earlier. I'm not sure how this works, as I don't have sufficient maths skills. Are the girls supposed to have sex early and, presumably because the sex was so bad, have a few fallow years, before gingerly dipping their toes back in the water another couple of times, a few years down the line? Is that it? Have I done the math? 

Also, I mean, those totals look a bit small don't they? What age are the people they're polling here? If they are polling anyone and not just making this shit up. I guess if you're 20 those numbers are okay, but what if you're in your forties? Four sexual partners doesn't seem like many. For a lifetime. Or two thirds of a life time. Or does it? Am I Gene Simmons? Am I Bluebeard? 

I dunno. What about all these stats about old people in nursing homes giving each other STDs because they're all up for it? Is it because we're all horrible old people from the toxic 20th Century, where everyone was a smoking, drinking, drugging, dancing, and fighting like red-knuckled James T Kirks, and we were at it like knives all the time in the street, like dogs, because we didn't know any better and they were going to drop the bomb anyway, so who cares, take me. 

Yeah. Probably that. Terrible time. But the dating was very simple.