UPS are a bit shit.

 Was expecting a package today, to be delivered by UPS. Three packages, in fact. I had a tracking number and, until noon, it said "Delivery estimate 10 A.M. - 12 Noon". After midday that estimate changed to the disconcertingly vague, "Later today". 

Two hours later Susan, by chance, saw the delivery guy dropping packages on our doorstep. "He's here!" she cried out. Odd, I thought. He didn't knock. I was under the impression I was supposed to sign for these. I go to the door. Two packages. I wait for him to return with the third package and his little electric pen, but instead I hear the van start and drive away. We run out into the road to watch him disappear over the other side of the hill. 

The hell?

You certainly did, guys...

I put in the the tracking number on the UPS website. "Delivered". "Would you like to see a picture?" I look at the picture: there are two packages on my doorstep. I already knew that. I look at the boxes: "1 of 3" and "3 of 3". No "2 of 3". It must still be in the back of the van. If I can contact UPS, they can contact the driver, the driver can deliver the third package. If I'm quick. 

I go to the UPS website. No phone number, but they do have one of those robots asking if it can help. "I haven't had all packages delivered," I type. "Have you got your tracking number?" I type it in. "Your package has been delivered." "No, it hasn't," I type, "I've had a partial delivery. There were three packages on the delivery notice. Only two have been delivered. The delivery is incomplete." "Have you got your tracking number?" I type it in. "Your package has been delivered."

I go outside and punch the recycling bin. 

I try again this time answering no to all of its questions. It finally yields a telephone number. Progress. 

I ring the number and I'm greeted by an automated voice who asks me a series of questions, then for my tracking number and, tells me my package has been delivered. I go again and again, but at no point can it distinguish between a full and partial delivery, and I can't get away from the automated voice and talk to a human being. 

Another dig at the bin. 

I try again, using my trick of saying no to everything. It works again. I get put through to a very nice woman who asks me for my tracking number and then says my package has been delivered. "No, it hasn't," I say. "It says it has on the system. There's a photo." "How many boxes are in the order?" "Three." "And how many boxes are in the photo?" "Two." "Right. I should have three, but I've only got two. Also, I think I was supposed to sign for them, but he just dumped them and ran away." "Okay." "Is there a way of contacting him and getting him to come back with the third box?" "Oh, I can see what's happened," she says, "the other box is in the depot." "What?" "Yeah, the other box is in the depot. These two are down to be delivered today. The other one will be delivered on...Thursday." "Why?" "I don't know." "Isn't there a reason given?" "No." "But my tracking number says three packages are due to be delivered today. Who has unilaterally decided to keep one in the depot for two days and not tell anyone why?" "I don't know." "It's bizarre." I say. "I'm sorry, what?" she says. "It's bizarre." I say. After further confusion, it transpires she doesn't know the word, "bizarre", and I've rather muddied the waters. 

She's ringing the depot. They're ringing me "in under one hour, sir."

I don't really need to tell you that, as I'm writing this, that conversation is two hours old. They haven't rung me. 

I mean, there's not even a short story in this. I write stories about frustration and disappointment and lack of communication all the time, but UPS have managed to remove anything interesting or novel from the process. This is boring, workaday incompetence. There's no grist to your grift, guys, no logic to your logistics. You're just shit at this.      

I wonder if it will ever turn up. 

Post Script: I rang them again after a couple of hours. The package is in Tamworth. This has something to do with the bank holiday. It will be delivered tomorrow. Or Thursday. So, I'll be waiting in for three days straight, assuming the delivery of the outstanding parcel. 

I asked her, at the end of the call, whether the depot will still be ringing me. "They could. I don't suppose there's much point, though." I suppose not.