Gizza Jab

Can't seem to get vaccinated. Everyday my social media flows are full of people I know high-fiving themselves because they have been vaccinated - the "I've been jabbed" sticker is as ubiquitous now as last year's aint-never-gonna-jab-me-sucka conspiracy rants. But I can't get an appointment. 

Last week I did the online app and it advised me that I could get stabbed in the arm only in Enniskillen. I tried it again a few times but it was adamant that the jab with my name on it was 82.6 miles away, despite the fact that current guidelines mean you're not supposed to travel more than ten miles from your home. Its an hour and a half away by car but I don't have a car. 

So, I left it. They're opening a super vaccination hub in the SSE Arena right here in Belfast. I know because Susan will be working there. She did her induction at the Ulster Hospital yesterday and jabbed her first twenty. I am ridiculously proud. 

But every day people I know are getting the jab. More and more. Some mysteriously at hospital in the city centre. Not sure how they've wangled that. Some very shady people around. At least two vehement anti-vaxxers I know have jumped the queue for the jab, which a bit rich. It seems you can have your ludicrous paranoid delusions and eat them too. "You're not putting that untested chemical soup in my pristine body. Oh wait? I can't go on holiday till I've had an injection? SWISS CHEESE ME, MOTHERFUCKER!"

So, I went back online. Now I can't get appointment anywhere. I don't qualify at this point. They advised me to "wait until I'm contacted". So I rang them on the helpline. The automated message told me that if I had tried to book online and failed I would not be able to get an appointment over the phone either. I hung on the line and spoke to a very nervous man who confirmed that there were no appointments anywhere. What about the SSE super vaccine centre, I said. Yes, he said, I heard about on the news - they haven't told us anything. He advised me to keep trying every day. 

I rang my GP to see if he could grease the wheels of progress. Engaged. So I rang the surgery another four times. Still engaged. 

I expect I'll wait until the SSE opens and see what happens. I doubt very much that my GP will be contacting me. But we'll see. All I want to do is offer up my virgin bloodstream to Bill Gates' nanobots, but Bill doesn't want me for a sunbeam. 

Slight coda: by lunchtime the online was allowing me to book appointments: nine in the morning in Limavady in a month. I haven't actually heard of Limavady, though I'm sure its not lovely. I'll wait and see what the SSE is doing.