The Poor Mouth
Just went into Belfast City Centre in daylight, something that I haven't done for some weeks. It was a bright, sunny day, so fat men had their tops off.
I was there to look at shoes and, as I have no money, I was looking at cheaper but still modestly attractive ones - desert boots, in fact. Desert boots have an unfortunate association with Mods but I used to wear them in the 80's and they were modestly stylish, comfortable and cheap. Clarkes desert boots now cost £100. I remember a pair I bought in Camouflage Corner in the 90's for £4. Admittedly, they smelled of fish because of the cheap glue and may have been made of human skin but the price was right.
£100 for a pair of Clarke's bog standard desert boots.
As I went into Eason's to buy my niece a birthday card the newpaper headlines all blared that cash machine transactions will all start charging now. A popular boon after a decade of austerity. Charging my bus card on the way home the price has gone up a pound since the last time I did it.
It's official: I can no longer afford to leave the house.
To make matters worse I saw a grown woman, in sunglasses yet, reading a David Walliams book on the bus home. A David Walliams children's book: Mr Shit or Granny's Farts or one of those things he definitely writes. Because can you imagine it? David Walliams, the millionaire, sitting down at his desk thinking "Hmm, I need an idea for another 400 page children's book about issues and that, even though I have written FIFTEEN of the fuckers since 2008..."
No, of course he does. He writes every fucking line. The pages counts are very helpfully provided on his Wiki page and by my estimation in the last decade he has written 5230 pages. That's some going for any writer, but you also have to factor in his "being a judge on Britain's Got Talent" gig, which must eat into his thinking time, as he's constantly having to come up with fresh new ways to look surprised or hit a buzzer. And he's good at it too: In 2015, 2018 and 2019, he was recognised at the National Television Awards as Best Judge".
Imagine that.
He sold £16.57 million worth of books in 2017. And he wrote every motherfuckin' word. But he hasn't been on a bus since 2005.
Unless he was researching his new book Bandit Bus Driver...(invoice attached)
I was there to look at shoes and, as I have no money, I was looking at cheaper but still modestly attractive ones - desert boots, in fact. Desert boots have an unfortunate association with Mods but I used to wear them in the 80's and they were modestly stylish, comfortable and cheap. Clarkes desert boots now cost £100. I remember a pair I bought in Camouflage Corner in the 90's for £4. Admittedly, they smelled of fish because of the cheap glue and may have been made of human skin but the price was right.
£100 for a pair of Clarke's bog standard desert boots.
As I went into Eason's to buy my niece a birthday card the newpaper headlines all blared that cash machine transactions will all start charging now. A popular boon after a decade of austerity. Charging my bus card on the way home the price has gone up a pound since the last time I did it.
It's official: I can no longer afford to leave the house.
To make matters worse I saw a grown woman, in sunglasses yet, reading a David Walliams book on the bus home. A David Walliams children's book: Mr Shit or Granny's Farts or one of those things he definitely writes. Because can you imagine it? David Walliams, the millionaire, sitting down at his desk thinking "Hmm, I need an idea for another 400 page children's book about issues and that, even though I have written FIFTEEN of the fuckers since 2008..."
No, of course he does. He writes every fucking line. The pages counts are very helpfully provided on his Wiki page and by my estimation in the last decade he has written 5230 pages. That's some going for any writer, but you also have to factor in his "being a judge on Britain's Got Talent" gig, which must eat into his thinking time, as he's constantly having to come up with fresh new ways to look surprised or hit a buzzer. And he's good at it too: In 2015, 2018 and 2019, he was recognised at the National Television Awards as Best Judge".
Imagine that.
He sold £16.57 million worth of books in 2017. And he wrote every motherfuckin' word. But he hasn't been on a bus since 2005.
Unless he was researching his new book Bandit Bus Driver...(invoice attached)
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