Top Ten Advert Pop Songs of 2018
I don't know anything about music nowadays. I used to buy music magazines and buy records but not so much any more. I have so many records that I've never listened to, but in truth there's probably a core group of about 50 records that I listen to over and over again and where I know every note, every breath. I don't feel the need to be conquering new territory all the time - I want to hang out with some good friends I've made along the way. So the only new music I ever hear is on adverts or in shops and its usually the same music - the sort of stuff that features in the background on One Show out-and-about features or at funfairs. I'm always at funfairs. So here's my top ten advert songs of the year.
It's traditional. I do this every year. Honest.
1) J'Adore - Flashing Lights by Kanye West
It's the one with Charlize Theron in a big gold bath. I really like the weird farting synths as she and her leggy cohorts march in slow motion formation. Its a needlessly complicated fanfare saluting Charlize' bare hazy bum. Finding out it was Kanye was wounding, but I imagine he was originally famous for doing something good, rather than hanging out of the rotten end of Donald Trump. Actually, both ends of Donald Trump are pretty rotten.
2) J D Williams - Good As Hell by Lizzo
I actually like this song. It's the one that goes: "I do my hair toss, check my nails". Lizzo is advising a lovelorn friend that she is better than that shit. Its a paean to positive pampering, built around a simple piano phrase, some scattering drums and that emphatic "I feel good as hell" hook. I feel empowered listening to it and I couldn't be more gammon if I started wearing a pineapple ring for a beret. It makes me want to get my sassiness levels up by 35%. Genuinely a good record.
3) Audi - To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra
Classic heartwarming advert music: all descending spare piano clusters and that parched high-pitched vocal. Its like Chris Martin: The Wilderness Years - long nights with his collars popped staring into shop windows in the rain. It's the sort of music that makes you want to hold a bowl of chunky soup in both hands. You Tube is now suggesting I listen to Jeff Buckley - that's about right.
4) Miss Dior - Chandelier by Sia
Yeah, Sia always sounds like she's swallowing a burp. This has a big chorus and a freaky little girl in the video. Its not really for me but as a generic example of what I think music sounds like in 2018 it can't really be beaten. Will auto-tune ever just fuck off? Sia also sings with a vocal fry, which is impressive if unpleasant to listen to.
4) YSL - Modulations by Boy Harsher
This sounds like "Stepping Out" by Joe Jackson sung by a drowning woman. There's no real vocal melody: some murmuring interspersed with an occasional Suicide-like backslap scream. I know nothing about Boy Harsher but congrats on getting an advert guys!
5) Lucozade Sport - Kettering by The Antlers
Their album is called "Hospice". Fuck sake. I think this is actually about someone dying - its hard to tell with the whispering little voice and the one finger piano at the start - so its an unusual choice for a sports beverage. It soon builds to a crescendo of martial drumming and ALL THE EFFECTS PEDALS before petering out, with a poor chap either sobbing or conscientiously hyperventilating somewhere he shouldn't be hyperventilating. Impressive good manners but breathe into a brown paper bag mate, before you keel over.
6) Paco Rabanne Olympea - Power by Kanye West
It's the one with the King Crimson sample. Its Kanye again and its quite good which is annoying. Repeated listening would make you want to punch strangers in the back of the head at bus stops though.
7) 1 Million Lucky and Lady Million - Hot N Fun by N*E*R*D featuring Nelly Furtado
Here's another tune that's about a decade old but then I think variations on these adverts have been running that long. Its the one where what looks like brother and sister models just snap their fingers a lot. The advert features a lot of editing which makes the model's dancing look better than it is. Models can't really do anything except hold up clothes. That's what they do. They're not even sexy, just pinched and sickly looking. Still they are good at their jobs - as long as they're not called to do anything but sulk and look bored.
8) George at Asda - Do My Thing by Esther and Janelle Monae
This is quite nice. I like Estelle. Is there a bit of accordion on this just before Janelle comes in? This is actually pretty great. Actually I think that's a bit of Farfisa organ. But still, great.
9) Now TV - My Type by Saint Motel
This is that song that seems to be in all adverts. I had no idea this song even had words but the vocal is oddly lounge-lizardy, insinuating and vaguely unpleasant: "Love comes wearing disguises" I know nothing about Saint Motel but they seem like the sort of band who would have played Blow Up back in the 90's when negotiating sexual politics was in its infancy and men were confused by bosoms. I bet these boys really have chops and want you to know about it. They probably feature one ex-member of Corduroy. Maybe they are the sons of Corduroy. Loaded magazine was a long time ago.
10) Gucci Bloom - The Rip by Portishead.
This is off the third Portishead album ("Third"), the album I had forgotten they had made. It sounds quite a lot like it could have been off Beth Gibbon's Rustin Man collaboration. But it isn't. The idea of the third Portishead was to make music that didn't sound like Portishead and, apart from Beth's voice, it doesn't. So well done guys. Of course they split up after this - so you make a record that self consciously doesn't sound like anything else you've recorded and then split up? You got trouble at home, son? Its a nice tune and the Gucci adverts are always great looking. I could have done the Marc Jacobs Daisy Love advert which has the opening few bars to Sonic Youth's "Teenage Riot" in it...but I won't cause you SOLD US OUT, MAN! I BELIEVED IN YOU AND YOU SOLD US OUT! WHAT DID YOU GET FOR IT, THURSTON? THIRTY PIECES OF SILVER? (Adjusted for inflation)
Nah...I don't really give a toss about Sonic Youth. Though I got Daydream Nation for my 18th birthday. "Eric's Trip" is alright.
It's traditional. I do this every year. Honest.
1) J'Adore - Flashing Lights by Kanye West
It's the one with Charlize Theron in a big gold bath. I really like the weird farting synths as she and her leggy cohorts march in slow motion formation. Its a needlessly complicated fanfare saluting Charlize' bare hazy bum. Finding out it was Kanye was wounding, but I imagine he was originally famous for doing something good, rather than hanging out of the rotten end of Donald Trump. Actually, both ends of Donald Trump are pretty rotten.
2) J D Williams - Good As Hell by Lizzo
I actually like this song. It's the one that goes: "I do my hair toss, check my nails". Lizzo is advising a lovelorn friend that she is better than that shit. Its a paean to positive pampering, built around a simple piano phrase, some scattering drums and that emphatic "I feel good as hell" hook. I feel empowered listening to it and I couldn't be more gammon if I started wearing a pineapple ring for a beret. It makes me want to get my sassiness levels up by 35%. Genuinely a good record.
3) Audi - To Build A Home by The Cinematic Orchestra
Classic heartwarming advert music: all descending spare piano clusters and that parched high-pitched vocal. Its like Chris Martin: The Wilderness Years - long nights with his collars popped staring into shop windows in the rain. It's the sort of music that makes you want to hold a bowl of chunky soup in both hands. You Tube is now suggesting I listen to Jeff Buckley - that's about right.
4) Miss Dior - Chandelier by Sia
Yeah, Sia always sounds like she's swallowing a burp. This has a big chorus and a freaky little girl in the video. Its not really for me but as a generic example of what I think music sounds like in 2018 it can't really be beaten. Will auto-tune ever just fuck off? Sia also sings with a vocal fry, which is impressive if unpleasant to listen to.
4) YSL - Modulations by Boy Harsher
This sounds like "Stepping Out" by Joe Jackson sung by a drowning woman. There's no real vocal melody: some murmuring interspersed with an occasional Suicide-like backslap scream. I know nothing about Boy Harsher but congrats on getting an advert guys!
5) Lucozade Sport - Kettering by The Antlers
Their album is called "Hospice". Fuck sake. I think this is actually about someone dying - its hard to tell with the whispering little voice and the one finger piano at the start - so its an unusual choice for a sports beverage. It soon builds to a crescendo of martial drumming and ALL THE EFFECTS PEDALS before petering out, with a poor chap either sobbing or conscientiously hyperventilating somewhere he shouldn't be hyperventilating. Impressive good manners but breathe into a brown paper bag mate, before you keel over.
6) Paco Rabanne Olympea - Power by Kanye West
It's the one with the King Crimson sample. Its Kanye again and its quite good which is annoying. Repeated listening would make you want to punch strangers in the back of the head at bus stops though.
7) 1 Million Lucky and Lady Million - Hot N Fun by N*E*R*D featuring Nelly Furtado
Here's another tune that's about a decade old but then I think variations on these adverts have been running that long. Its the one where what looks like brother and sister models just snap their fingers a lot. The advert features a lot of editing which makes the model's dancing look better than it is. Models can't really do anything except hold up clothes. That's what they do. They're not even sexy, just pinched and sickly looking. Still they are good at their jobs - as long as they're not called to do anything but sulk and look bored.
8) George at Asda - Do My Thing by Esther and Janelle Monae
This is quite nice. I like Estelle. Is there a bit of accordion on this just before Janelle comes in? This is actually pretty great. Actually I think that's a bit of Farfisa organ. But still, great.
9) Now TV - My Type by Saint Motel
This is that song that seems to be in all adverts. I had no idea this song even had words but the vocal is oddly lounge-lizardy, insinuating and vaguely unpleasant: "Love comes wearing disguises" I know nothing about Saint Motel but they seem like the sort of band who would have played Blow Up back in the 90's when negotiating sexual politics was in its infancy and men were confused by bosoms. I bet these boys really have chops and want you to know about it. They probably feature one ex-member of Corduroy. Maybe they are the sons of Corduroy. Loaded magazine was a long time ago.
10) Gucci Bloom - The Rip by Portishead.
This is off the third Portishead album ("Third"), the album I had forgotten they had made. It sounds quite a lot like it could have been off Beth Gibbon's Rustin Man collaboration. But it isn't. The idea of the third Portishead was to make music that didn't sound like Portishead and, apart from Beth's voice, it doesn't. So well done guys. Of course they split up after this - so you make a record that self consciously doesn't sound like anything else you've recorded and then split up? You got trouble at home, son? Its a nice tune and the Gucci adverts are always great looking. I could have done the Marc Jacobs Daisy Love advert which has the opening few bars to Sonic Youth's "Teenage Riot" in it...but I won't cause you SOLD US OUT, MAN! I BELIEVED IN YOU AND YOU SOLD US OUT! WHAT DID YOU GET FOR IT, THURSTON? THIRTY PIECES OF SILVER? (Adjusted for inflation)
Nah...I don't really give a toss about Sonic Youth. Though I got Daydream Nation for my 18th birthday. "Eric's Trip" is alright.
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