I'd go out. But where?

 I had the feeling my Facebook feed was getting worse. Never the best way to interact with friends, I do still keep putting another nickle in the Nickelodeon. All my boring posts about going to the gym, or the film I'm watching, the pathetic requests for people to write a review of my book (the last two times I've asked - in my breezy and jocular way - have resulted in precisely NO further reviews. Thanks guys.) are dutifully poured into Facebook. Take my I.P. please, faceless corporate giant. No, I insist. 

But there is a niggling fear that, while I'm dutifully pouring my heart out into the abyss, I'm not getting much back. Is this because my friends are a modest and bashful bunch, not given to spontaneous ejaculations in a public forum*, or is it Facebook punishing me, because I've not posted in a couple of days, and hiding my friends from me - my friends often tell me they never see my posts, but I just assumed that was a lie and they just couldn't be arsed to read the drivel I write, never mind reply. Or is it all in my mind. I have been weird and paranoid lately. 

Well, I decided to test my Facebook feed. What follows is exactly what I saw when I scrolled down. It's half four on a Sunday afternoon. Here's what's happening in my social media: 

* Advice on what to do if you find a dead cat. Don't bury it, apparently. The correct thing to do is to take it to a vet in case it has a chip in it. Good luck with that. 

* A photo proclaiming the first modern backpack was made in 1938. Was it though? I'm not prepared the fact-check this. 

* A painting by the British painter Keith Vaughan, whom I've never heard of and whose work I don't like. It was an advert from the Tate. 

* The cover of a Soviet magazine from 1929. 

* An advert for National Rail that doesn't apply to me as I live in a different country. 

* An unfunny satirical cartoon about Donald Trump. I think Trump is a cunt, but I think a cartoon should at least attempt to find a funny way to say it. 

* A cartoon of a horse whipping a man with a riding crop, and saying "I don't want you on me." Which is just what a horse would say if it could talk and could somehow hold a riding crop with its hooves. 

* An Italian man I don't know, sharing a memory from 2018 without comment. 

* An advert for something called "Hooded Horse" which seems to be some sort of steam-punk video game. 

* An advert, featuring three sexy models dressed as nurses, telling me how much I could be "compensated" for sperm donation. 

At this point, I should say there are no omissions** here. I'm not leaving out cheery people posting about their lives. There has simply been NOTHING like that. 

* A picture of some miners from the early 20th Century. They're down a pit and the caption is asking me to feel sorry for the plight of these long dead men. I've no idea how that helps them. Or me. I don't know what this is for. Did the makers of the post think I thought that miners had it too easy? That's the thing about miners, famously onto a cushy number. 

* A link to a review of "Caligula: The Ultimate Cut", written by Kim Newman. The review, not the film. The review is not presented, just the link. 

* Pictures of people I don't know at WOMAD. They've tagged a mutual friend so Facebook's decided to show me these stranger's lives. 

* A "Visit Germany" advert. 

* A picture of successful female athletes at the Olympics, with the caption "Just because you are afraid of her, doesn't make her any less of a woman." I'm not afraid of them. 

* An advert for Egyptian holidays from TUI. 

* An advert for a "Back to school with confidence" workshop. I have no children. I do not currently attend school. 

* An advert for "David Outwear", which appears to be a collection of shit jackets with too many pockets. 

* A picture of Candice Bergen in "The Magus". Quite cool. She's with Anubis in the shot. 

* The Lyric are hiring a Theatre Technician. 

I'll leave it there. That's what Facebook wants to show me. And that's what a lot of the people I know want to show me too. Pictures of other people's opinions that align with their values, and can be presented with out any comment, beyond "THIS!!!" or "lol". 

 This is what's driving me insane. The sheer nothingness of it. The lack of any human interaction. I post nonsense on here, but at least I post it in my voice. I tell you about my boring day, the stupid stuff I do or don't do, my tangles with white van men, my still fat body dripping wet at the gym, my occasional triumphs, the perennial defeats. I give you a human voice describing a failing human life. 

That's not what I get back. I get adverts. I get ready-mades. I get strangers at WOMAD. I get cartoons that are so on the nose they might as well be my fucking glasses. 

I know people are out there, right now, posting wittily and charmingly. I may even know some of the people doing it. But Facebook has elected never to show me that. It wants me to visit Germany. It wants me to know of the plight of pit ponies. 

No wonder I'm going mad. 

I'd go out. But where? 

Everywhere is full of unchecked Nazis setting fire to the country. While Nigel Farage smiles his bullfrog Sphinx smile and has another pull on his Rothmans, having set his dog whistle down on the desk. Why isn't he in prison? Why isn't he at least sanctioned? 

How is Tommy Robinson coordinating unrest while on his holidays? He was arrested, bailed, in Dover, and left the country - even though he was under arrest, and has historically served time for going abroad on another person's passport. Why do rules that apply to me not apply to a worthless racist scumbag like Tommy Robinson? 

I'd go out. But where? 

*No, it's not because of this. 

**Not an "emissions" pun. If that's what you were thinking.