Scenes From The Coronation

 *Never heard the world "realm" bandied about so much. Outside the Marvel Universe. This is some mad, gaudy shit. The Royal family look like their mums only found out about World Book Day the night before and had to improvise. And why is the room full of massive gold plates? Madness.

*I like the choristers little red lamps - it's like they're chilling in Ronnie Scott's.

*Not seen Nick Cave yet. Hope he's not wearing basic black when everyone else is dressed like a barber's pole. Ah, there he is. The only person in the room looking as miserable as the King. C'mon man, cut some capers. Wave your little commonwealth flag. 

Nick Cave was at the King of England's coronation. What a long strange trip it's been. 

*Justin Welby is wearing a golden alien head brooch the size of my fist that rather plays into the hands of David Icke. After each announcement he does the same smile as Bob Baliban does after introducing the acts in A Mighty Wind. This is hectic. 

*Prince Louis is dressed as Luke Skywalker in Return of the Jedi. He can't wait to get his little metal mitt on the Orb and Scepter. 

*Charles is now being anointed, in a hastily assembled box covered in Medieval tapestry, with some ambergris, civet and rose oil, from a little golden duck. It's the same oil his mother was anointed with 70 years ago. His Granddad's anointing oil was sadly blown up in the second world war. 

*You'd think they'd give Camilla something to do. She's sat there like Granny at Christmas without her hearing aid in. 

*"Receive this glove..."

*Disappointed they're reading the entire ceremony off cue-cards. They've had 70 years to get off book. 

*Is that the same Rod of Equity and Mercy Camilla's getting? Or do she and Charles get one each? 

*Penny Mordaunt has been holding up a sword for two hours now. Aching. For a King. As part of the ancient custom during the coronation, one hundred newly-minted 50p pieces bearing an effigy of the crowned King will be exchanged for a glittering Jewelled Sword of Offering. 

50 notes for a Jewelled Sword of Offering? That's a bargain. 

*There's graffiti all over that throne - you'd think they'd get a new one for the money. 

*Prince Harry is completely obscured by Princess Ann's hat. Ha ha. The delicious spite of it all. 

*The smearing has happened, the furry, metal hats have been planted on Royal heads. Charles has been offered a glove which he put on and a ring which he did not put on. But he took it anyway. Zadok the Priest is still a total banger - hats off to Handel - a great English composer, like Charles is a great English King. Everyone is dressed like the school nativity asked for Three Hundred Wise Men. It's dragging a bit now - I may be pomped out. Certainly, C'n'C (not the Music Factory) started to look tetchy a good half an hour ago. 

*Clare Balding has just suggested "now the fun can begin" two hours into the ceremony. Charles and Camilla are making good their escape in a Golden Coach. Judging by their faces the Royal bum-grapes are not up to three hundred year old suspension.  

* There you go - the coronation. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?