Hollywoodland

 Tomorrow I direct my second short film. I'm tremendously excited. I was previously, and in turn, nervous, anxious, horribly out of my depth, and suffering from the sort of impostor syndrome that saw me unwilling to sign e-mails, just in case I was lying and it wasn't me at all. But that's gone now. That's the process. The fear has abated and I'm really looking forward to filming this film. 

Just look at my Romantic melancholy

It's not even the only one I've made, but this one will consolidate a fact: I make films. 

A weird set of circumstances brought me here. It's not been a "career" you could have planned - leap-frogging from one disaster to another, like a polar bear on melting ice flows. I've been an illustrator, a writer, a voice over guy, a playwright, a customer complaints manager, a technical help desk advisor and someone in a too tight shirt who shows you to your seat in The Ulster Hall. 

I never saw myself directing films. Writing them, yes, and I still want to do that. But directing is a really interesting process. As a writer you are asked a lot of questions about why the story is the way it is. Does it make sense? Is it boring or obvious? Why is the dialogue so clunky and terrible? Was it written by an AI in its second language? (I suppose words are always the second language of an AI - its first language being maths. Can you have a non-binary computer? My calculator has a "cancel" button, so...*) 

As a director the questions are relentless. You have to think about everything. You have to have sudden  opinions on things you never previously gave a second thought to. And you have to sound like you believe the things you're saying. The entire crew is relying on you not to bullshit them. Equally, as a director your only real job is to make those decisions. Other, better qualified people are doing the actual work. Your chief function is to tell the actors when to start and stop. If you've done the work, pretty much everything else - barring horrific accidents or flash floods - should've been worked out in advance. As the writer as well, I have re-written the script ten times, because the story I guilelessly wrote in a room when I was just making stuff up, has now crashed into the reality of what we can actually afford to do. I've had to completely give up the scenes of rampaging elephants and swarms of razor-beaked hornbills. The sequence on the mysterious island of Tago Mago has been scrapped too, even though I've always wanted to go there.   

I'm joking. But you'd be surprised what you can't do now. Health and Safety Legislation is destroying my vision. Quite rightly. Health and safety legislation is important. A lot of directors are prone to tantrums, to hurling themselves about if they don't get their own way, or punching hirelings if they can't get a warm sandwich when they want one. There's a lot of self-important nonsense masquerading as "artistic integrity". It's macho posturing. It's great ape chest beating. They're like toddlers. I'm a pragmatist. Actors aren't dolls. In this film I'm asking them to do things that are definitely uncomfortable and potentially even dangerous**. I'd like the actors to get some exposure but not die of it. This film has a body count - but it's fictional one and I aim to keep it that way. 

I look on the things I'm not allowed to do as opportunities to reexamine the text, to streamline it, to lop off cliches, to make it more elegant. I now the believe the script is better - and the film improved - because a lot of my original choices proved impossible. I mean that - it's not putting a brave face on it. I'm well known for the Scooby Doo-like cowardice of my face. 

If I can pull it off, this could be a very beautiful little film. If the first film - Goat Songs - was very "me", this one will be very "me" in a different way. My me is legion.  

I'm excited. 

*This joke has aged badly since I wrote it twenty minutes ago. Apologies future generations.  

**That said, I've just watched It Follows again, and one of the incarnations of the It Follows monster is a topless woman who is constantly pissing herself. I'm not asking any of the actors to do THAT.