The Glums Hath Murdered Sleep.

 I've been sleeping an average of four hours a night since the New Year. That's not quite true. There was a period I didn't sleep for 36 hours, and another I slept for 12. It's pretty much all over the shop. My circadian rhythms have dyspraxia. Susan's not been sleeping well either, and she sometimes works nights, so we're fucked. Ours is a world of creeping in painful silence, aware of every creaking floorboard, the gurgle and slap of the water-pipes, the lion's roar of a toilet flushed in the night. At nine in the evening I'm woozy and heavy lidded, slow blinking my way through another of Dave's relentless "Would I Lie To You?"s (That Lee Mack's very quick...) and at 5.30 in the morning I'm wide awake, lying there until 7, when I can get up and have a bath, as if I still worked in an office. 

Mr Cool, second left. 

One of the facets of my murdered sleep is the chronic 90's pop era ear-worms. All last week it was "Never Ever" by All Saints*. Last night it was "We Can't Dance" by Genesis. Round and round it went, and with visuals too: the guys doing the "funny walk" from the video, in their shades and stiff blue jeans. Phil Collins and his central stripe of hair, flexing his muscles on the beach in a pink vest. The shit Michael Jackson joke at the end. I mean, it's maddening. No sleep AND Phil Collins in a fedora. 

The other thing my brain likes to do is worry. I worry in the day as well. But in the night, in the dark, as the clock ticks, and you speed ever further away from the inky arms of slumber, worry takes on a wonderful, harrowing quality. I worry about money, my career, who is ripping me off this week. How am I ever going to get new teeth? Am I dying, am I nearly dying, what is the first day when you're over the blind summit of life and definitely hurtling towards death? Will I ever write anything half decent? Will I get the respect of my peers? Will I get any peers, and will I ever stop giving a shit about peers? Fuck peers. How old will I be when the NHS is completely destroyed by the Tories, and will it be the day before all my internal organs shut down? Will we be consumed by rising tides and starving polar bears long before then? Will I ever learn to sleep? Babies have mastered this. Babies and dogs. To be honest I can't think of a single thing that babies and dogs don't do better than me. They've got this whole living thing nailed. Pair of fucking Fonzies. Was there a dog on "Fonz and the Happy Days Gang"? I've just checked - there was! "Fonz and the Happy Days Gang" was an animated series starring Henry Winkler, Ron Howard and Donny Most, reprising their roles from the series, alongside Didi Conn ( Frenchy from Grease) who played Cupcake, a girl from the future with a malfunctioning time machine. Fonzie had a talking dog called Mr. Cool. This is the sort of thing I think about when I can't sleep. And then I think, when I die I will I be the last person on earth to remember Mr Cool, the dog from "Fonz and the Happy Days Gang"? Voiced by Frank Welker, the third highest grossing actor of all time. 

The first two are Stan Lee and Samuel L Jackson, apparently. 

Am I depressed? Waking up early is a sign of depression. And there is a lot to be depressed about. I'm probably a bit depressed. But equally I'm not drinking, and therefore I'm not concussing myself with booze every night, so that's probably part of it. I've been doing less exercise because of the snow and rain - though I did manage to go for a three hour hike in a blizzard. I dunno. There's lots of contributory factors, but the truth of it is I was never any good at this. I've never had the napping knack. I'm so tired. But that's now, midday. Come five in the morning and I'll be obsessing over the career of Frank Welker once again. Seriously, the voice of Fred from Scooby Doo, Megatron from Transformers and Santa's Little Helper from The Simpsons? I mean, look at that range. He's worth the money.   

*Shaznay from All Saints used to play for Arsenal LFC and has a daughter called Tigerlily. Melanie Blatt, the real Mel B, shares a birthday with me and has a child by Jamiroquai's bass player. Apparently All Saints reformed 2014 and supported Backstreet Boys on a tour(!) and released a new album, "Red Flag", in 2016. I don't think I heard any of that. I wonder if they're still in the vest 'n' cargo pants combo. 

I don't care about the other two.