Radio Days*

Turned down an opportunity to go on the radio the other day. I never turn down the opportunity to rock up to the BBC with a guest pass and give people the benefit of my wisdom on matters I know nothing about for a fee. But this time...

They wanted me to talk about the "Friends" reunion. 

Oh, they all look okay. Even Matthew Perry. 

I mean, I watched "Friends" occasionally in the 90s. I started working in an office, and "Friends" was the lingua franca of workplace discourse at the time. 

"Could that photocopier BE any more out of toner." That sort of thing. 

So I remember Ross had a monkey named Marcel. That Courtney Cox was in the "Dancing in the Dark" video. Jennifer Anniston was Greek and therefore, obviously, the god-daughter of Telly Savalas. I think Matt le Blanc was in a Red Shoes Diaries, and later embarrassed himself on Top Gear (he didn't seem ONE bit embarrassed - more easy money for Matt le Blanc. How's he doing? Pretty well, I imagine). 

The other two? Phoebe was in "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion", which was great. Chandler...Chandler...his name means "candlemaker". Will that do? Alright, his weight fluctuated and he was addicted to painkillers. That's all we know. Are you happy now? 

At the time I made out that I fancied quirky Phoebe (you had to have a position on these things in the 90's) but really it was Jennifer Anniston and her awful character, Rachel. I felt that I'd let myself down there, but the heart wants what it wants...

I remember an episode where a load of sugar sachets fell on Ross' head, and a good joke about Ross getting felt up by Joey's tailor: ("Yeah, that's how they measure you for pants...IN PRISON!"). Literally the only joke I remember from that show. I recall Helen Baxendale turning up and suffering from Jane Leeves Syndrome i.e. being English but unable to do an English accent on American television. 

I haven't seen anything they've done since "Friends", and haven't been following their tabloid exploits. Courtney Cox is married to somebody out of Snow Patrol, but I only know that because I live in Northern Ireland. 

I'm not an A list celebrity gossip chaser, never-the-less you'd think there'd be a lot there - especially when I dropped that "candlemaker" bombshell, but radio shows always have an angle, and tend to disrupt my flow by asking questions on subjects I've never considered, like is "Friends" any good and what have I been up to since the 90s? And  I'm looking to swerve another tearful air wave confessional. 

Then there's the Corden factor. He's involved, and I don't want slag off James Corden. It's what everyone else will be doing, because its so easy. He's unnaturally famous. He went to America with what looked like chancer's luck and they REALLY LIKED him. He sings songs with Ed Sheeran in a car, and they still REALLY LIKE him. He does a Weight Watcher's advert where he refers to the advert as a "commercial", and you realise he's not looking at a tubby British audience but an absolutely enormous American one. 

I didn't want to go on the radio and slag off James Corden. But I would have to, because I don't like James Corden (bear in mind I watched the whole of Horne and Corden the sketch series, pretty much the reason James left the country. I contend I am the only person ever to do so, and some sort of bursary should be awarded me). But I don't need that sort of negativity in my life. Fuck it. It's not like Corden will hear it anyway: he'll be too busy screeching in a rental car with Adele and Dua Lipa. 

Still, I'm not always going to be this precious. Radio come at me. I have poorly thought through opinions on EVERYTHING. 

*cancelled.